Ayahuasca

The Unnecessary Healing

The Timing

Everything in life happens for a reason — you’ve heard this phrase, but have you lived it? I’ve lived it many times, and one of those examples was when I stumbled upon my first Ayahusaca experience. One night I went to a party that celebrated Black culture in Tulum (first of its kind) and there I met an intriguing woman — Indhi.

Indhi is an experienced Kambo practitioner to whom I ran into a few more times in the village and finally decided to reach out to and schedule my Kambo ceremony. Kambo is a frog poison that helps clean and heal the system. I wanted to do it for healing purposes as I was going through the hardest breakup yet, and struggling emotionally for 4–5 months at that time. However, something was constantly in the way of me being able to fly to Tulum from the North East U.S.

When my schedule finally freed up and life stopped putting sticks in my wheels, Indhi sent me a flyer about the Yawanawa family’s visit to Tulum. It looked like a meditative experience event with songs, chants, and connection. I had no idea it was an ayahuasca ceremony until a week before the agreed upon date.

By this time I wasn’t looking for healing, I healed myself. Yet another testament that all that we need is already within us. Going into both Kambo and Ayahuasca I felt strong in my core about the person that I’ve become.

No Expectations

Not having negative external and internal influences on my emotional and mental states I knew that these experiences were going to be relatively pure for me. The biggest thing I had to clean up was my diet, because one is not supposed to eat animal products, have sex, alcohol, or do drugs at least 3 days, and ideally a week or more before and after the ceremony. One should also avoid technology, reading news, or any other materials or interactions that may affect one’s state of mind.

I heard about the medicine many times and it has always been described as the most intense feeling in the world. People say they change who they are, some say they don’t come back normal. Prior to my experience a few friends joked and said “Goodbye old you, can’t wait to meet the new you!”

It is advised that individuals partaking in the medicine should also meditate and set intentions in order to direct the trip in a certain way. It wasn’t easy for me to set an intention because I wasn’t looking for any specific answers, I didn’t need healing, I just wanted to experience the drug. The intention that I recorded on my phone was as follows:

The purpose for which I am doing this for is to gain clarity of mind. I want to be strong enough to make the right decisions for myself. I’m not sure that Ayahuasca is the way for me. However, I trust the ancient ceremonies and I am open to change, to new ideas, and to becoming a better person.

The Ceremony

The location where the ceremony was held was at a beautiful hotel about 15 minutes outside of the Tulum centro. It was a gorgeous, holistic looking location in the jungle. We were led to an outside patio that was built in a circular manner. There already were some pillows and meditation chairs setup, some old twin size mattresses, and a fire starting in the middle. I chose a spot right in the middle which was then pushed out of the line and appeared very close to the center of the space.

I was surrounded by people in very close proximity. At at first it felt comfortable — I wanted to be close to strangers, thought I’d connect to them and be warm. Next to me was a man and a woman, and next to the man was another woman: big in size, loud in her voice, and consuming in her presence. As soon as she sat down, she started setting up a large altar: statues, books, jewelry, and other kinds of items she called the offerings to the gods. It was bombastic, and out of place. Only one other person had an altar and it was a much more humble and simple one. Altars never felt right to me.

The woman also had a book of Oracle cards, and each person had to pull one out, I pulled out the card that read: 43: Viracocha: Honor the Light.

Visions

1. I saw a woman who was physically next to me on fire, it was in her NYC white apartment, slouching over her desk, and her room was on fire. The vision said it would happen in 2 weeks. I was hesitant to tell her, because the vision is my odd interpretation of something, but when I walked away from the campsite to get fresh air, she found me and I ended up telling her the vision. She insisted in sharing it with the guru, and I told him that I don’t quite believe in the actuality of it, which he confirmed. At the end I think it was more of a harm to her, than anything else. I am not a prophet.
2. I heard and realizing the sweetness of my mom’s voice. Then immediately I saw a big red caviar in a classic paper zip lock case. It looked vibrant and funny, like a piece of art. My mom’s treat for me whenever I visit is a breakfast sandwich with red caviar on it. I was worried that thinking about mom will ruin my trip, but Aya responded with “you are a good girl, keep your distance, mom will always be a mom.” I felt calm, and at peace, mom did not come up throughout the night again.
3. There were a lot of funny moments in my mind, and kind of “fuck you” from the universe — I came looking for answers, and the universe told me I already have all the answers.
4. I saw a moment from being in a childhood choir — we were singing and the teacher heard someone not reach the notes, he kept asking who is not singing correctly, and I wouldn’t admit. He used the process of elimination to figure it out, so he divided us into smaller groups and had us repeat the same passage. Finally, it came down to just me and a girl next to me. We sung and I tried my best to sing as quietly as possible, because I was embarrassed. He never called me out, just finished the exercise. It is clear that he knew it was me, but was too kind/polite to say anything. One thing came out of this clearly — you can’t fake your way in life. No more faking for me. Just living my truth and admitting to my short comings.
5. In another moment, I was on a boat or a submarine and we went from shore to shore, hitting the land and just bouncing off it, like in a video game.
6. I was on a helicopter, and was attached to a rope, completely tied up, didn’t have any choice or ability to move. Then they dropped me in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, slowly, descending into my biggest fear while hanging upside down. It felt like the drop was a kilometer long. I was terrified but also calm, that was my way of learning to let go into the unknown. The ocean is the most beautiful and intimidating thing for me.. And here i was being thrown and immersed into one of the biggest fears of my life.
7. I saw a lot of light shaped palm leaf silhouettes, and I was looking into them, trying to see what’s behind, when suddenly I saw this wonderful light, so warm, just drawing me in. And it suddenly stopped.
8. I’ve made a shape in my head. It was a shape of random nothingness, and I tried to rationalize and name it and suddenly stopped myself, when I realized I can’t bullshit this one through.

Conclusion

I’m reflecting on this experience a year later, and while in the moment after the ceremony I thought it was bogus and I’d never do it again, today I’m sure that when the opportunity presents itself, I will go right into it.

The reason I’m willing to repeat and next time go deeper for more than a night, is because of the cleansing effect it had on my mind, body, and soul. I see it as a time to really stop and disconnect from the world — not just for a day without a phone, but a conscious distance from everything and everyone. The daily meditations and solitude don’t allow me to reach deep within me, yet they are still healthy and important.

I’m glad that this experience freed me from the biggest hold on my emotional well being — seeking my mother’s approval and trying to restore a toxic relationship. During the experience I had a vision of letting go in that portrayed itself in many ways, today I feel strong about setting boundaries and not worrying about things I cannot control.

The Oracle card of honoring the light stuck with me too. As I continue on my journey around the world, I feel that I am honoring the light that’s within me. To me it means listening to the inner voice, to that intuition that is very well aware of what’s wrong and what’s right and actually executing on it. I often felt it, but rarely acted on it.

Viracocha: “Honour the Light”

“You are a light bearer. Your soul purpose is to redress the presence of darkness on this planet through shining the light. You are meant to do this in the ways that feel most uplifting to you. What brings brightness to your spirit? Do those things. How can you create a loving legacy to remind others of the light? Exploring and expressing the light in ways that remind others to seek the light, too, is a way to fulfill your divine destiny. Your light is powerful. Use it.”